Tuesday, February 06, 2007


You know those Livestrong bracelets? Well, I have one that says Apathy. It pretty well sums up my attitude this year. I drop the apathy on occasion, but mostly it's overwhelming.

I'm even too apathetic to keep up this blog. I might start a new one eventually, but for now - in the immortal words of Cher Horowitz - I'm outie.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

My Spidey Sense is tingling

About a week ago, I discovered that people have been talking about me. The strange part is that they're not talking about my scandalous escapades, but my future employment. Now, I'm excited to be all new-jobified, but it's certainly not the first thing on my mind at the moment. I haven't really talked about articling since August, when interviews happened. And yet, it's January, and a variety of people mysteriously know the latest addition to my resume.

I suppose I'm flattered, and also relieved that people aren't approaching me with rumours that I got knocked up or that I killed a man, or that I killed the man who knocked me up.

In other news, the Dutch apathy followed me back to Canada. At first I thought it was merely the lingering plague. However, I can breathe with both lungs now and I still seem to be incapable of doing work. Oh, fear, why hast thou forsaken me?

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Deadpan vs. the Plague

My return to Canada has been marked by snow, drinking, gambling ... and the plague. The post-Law Games virus has completely taken me over, to the point where after three days of sucking it up I surrendered to the temptations of my couch and TMNOnDemand.

The plague isn't helping my adjustment to a country where I'm actually expected to do work, and attend classes more than twice a week. I think my brain cells are infected. That or I killed too many of them during Law Games.

Thank god for 3L apathy.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

I'll be home for Christmas

Remember that Disney movie starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas, about a teenager's wacky adventures to get home in time for Christmas? I'm no JTT, and I'm not a teenager, and this adventure isn't particularly wacky ... but what I am is still in Europe, not at home snug in my bed.

Thankfully the airline sprung for hotel rooms, so I did get some sleep, but not enough. Plus, the 7-hour wait at the gate before they finally admitted that the flight was postponed didn't do anyone any good.

Anyway, hopefully in about 10 hours I'll be in a plane that's landing on the tarmac at Pearson. Fingers crossed.

Monday, December 18, 2006

The Final Countdown

My life as a globetrotter is drawing to a close. I'm a Pepsi-Max-driven bundle of emotion these days, although naturally my complete lack of facial expression disguises the thoughts churning within. And I would love to be poetic and profound about saying goodbye, but my words - like my attention span - seem to have deserted me.

And yet, I continue to write.

What will I miss? The people. The seemingly never-ending stream of new experiences. The freedom to pack a bag and go practically wherever I want, whenever I want (this near-complete absence of responsibility has been refreshing and tremendously gratifying, and my "real" life seems stultifying and dull in comparison). The overwhelming sense of history and culture. Making each new city my own, even if it's only for one day. Temporary hostel friendships. More permanent residence friendships. Self-discovery. Navel-gazing. A sense of anonymity.

What am I looking forward to? The people. Christmas. My first haircut in four months. My massive library. Sharing a kitchen with only 2 other people, instead of 43 other people. The gym. Having goals, and routines, and a semblance of a life plan. Not feeling the need to edit myself. Nerf swordfights, inside jokes, and that sense of sleek, well-loved satisfaction (like a pampered kitten) that I can only find at home. Permanent friendships. Yeah, some self-discovery and navel-gazing. A sense of being known.

Of course, mingled with the sadness of leaving and the happiness of returning home, there's the fear. As usual, the fear is primarily exam-driven; my overwhelming reluctance to abandon this two-month vacation has left me with just under 36 hours in which to learn practically an entire course. However, the fear is tempered with irritation - partly at myself, for doing next-to-nothing in the past week - but also, irrationally, at school's relentness need to reduce students to a number on a page.

In other news, my jacket was stolen on dance-off night. In my jacket pocket were the keys to my bike, and to my house. The house keys were easily replaced, but I am sans wheels. I don't mind walking - this town is really small - but every time I go downtown, I see my bike, looking forlorn that I can't unlock it. I hope someone steals it soon, so that it won't seem so reproachful every time I walk past.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Deadpan's advice for single guys

Gentlemen, listen up. There's a revelation a-brewin', and it could change your life. Forget The Game ... Deadpan's brand-new, patent-pending system will make your next trip to the bar a sure-fire pick-up experience. Or, at the very least, it will make your next trip to the bar more entertaining for everyone involved.

How do I know it works? Because it worked on me, and I'm a true-blue, bona fide girl.

Forget pick-up lines. You don't even have to buy the girl a drink - although you can if you want to. There are no special skills required - just a certain ballsiness that you can, in all likelihood, fake if you don't actually have the stones. Alcohol may help you, but only if you're not falling-down drunk. Falling-down drunk doesn't help anyone.

So here it is: the one simple move that will change your romantic life forever. First, find a likely candidate. Then, make sure that some good music is playing - pay a visit to the DJ booth if you have to. It will help if your target is already on the dance floor, but it isn't necessary. In fact, the move might be more effective if executed at the bar, but unfortunately I can't speak from direct personal experience on that one.

All you have to do is challenge your girl of interest to a dance-off.

Every girl loves a challenge, especially when it comes to their dancing prowess. Me? I'm a terrible dancer. But even if my competitor had been worse than me, he would have still won me over. Because ... a DANCE-OFF! Yes, I'm pretty sure he won. We were our only judges, but he was a very good dancer. I like me a man who can dance. But more than that, I like me a man who challenges me to a dance-off. It's sexy and hilarious, and that's a deadly combination. So, guys, work on those moves. Perfect the smoky-eyed gaze. Throw in a turn or two, and she'll be eating out of your hand.

Bonus points if you challenge the girl to a dance-off in a bar that is randomly full of blonde men wearing togas.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Channelling Dick Clark

I could write about the Sinterklaas party, but isn't it fun being kept in suspense? Sure it is. So instead, I will share with you all the soundtrack to my life ... or, "if my life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be?" Yup, putting my 61 hours of music on shuffle, and playing along. It's like "Random Rules" on The Onion AV Club, except that I don't have an iPod and I'm not famous. Oh, and I should mention that my Winamp playlist doesn't include nearly half the music I own ... but I'm too lazy to copy my hundreds of CDs onto my computer. Deal with it, and try not to judge. Unless you judge in love, in which case it's ok. You can judge because you love. I do it every day.

Opening Credits:
Cody -- Mogwai
I can only assume this would be a particularly gory shot of either a) my conception, or b) my birth. I'm going with the latter, because my parents have never told me the story of my conception (and for that I thank them profoundly). So, this dreamy slow music is the backdrop for a scene straight out of Grey's Anatomy or ER, full of distressed baby (that would be me) almost strangling to death, because my umbilical cord is wrapped around my neck, and if my mom pushes, I will die. So, cue emergency C-section, resulting in the triumphant delivery of a baby who, according to my baby pictures, bears a striking resemblance to a 3-pound, 8-ounce, drowned rat. An excellent beginning.

Waking up:
Nuclear War (Version 1) -- Yo La Tengo
Well, my mornings (or afternoons, of late) bear little resemblance to nuclear war, but, as Yo La Tengo so eloquently sings, "it's a motherfucker", and "your ass got to go". Which is usually what is running through my head when I wake up. And the lyric "so push that button" could refer to my incessant stabbing at the snooze button. All in all, a catchy way to start the day.

First Day at High School:
One Blood -- k-os
I don't think I was into hip hop on my first day of high school - in fact, i was almost certainly not, because i was waaaay too nerdy to be into hip hop. However, i like this music for my first day of high school, because i think it encapsulates the nerves and unease of the first day of high school - not least because i wound up sitting next to my grade's Certifiably Insane Girl. An auspicious beginning.

Falling In Love:
Only Heart -- John Mayer
Ok, I told you not to judge me. Sometimes I feel the need for sappy pop music that pretends to be angsted out ... which is actually perfect for my first love. Love in high school should be accompanied by John Mayer, don't you think? So far, so good.

Fight Song:
Goodnight L.A. -- Counting Crows
Well, this would really be a better break-up song ... but I can see this working for a fight scene, especially because I've never really been in a physical fight. This could be a catfight scene, where I'm pissed off at some random girl, and we happen to be having a sleepover, and it starts with hair-pulling and screaming and degenerates into a pillow/tickle fight ... and it would be all slow-mo, for the boys in the audience. Because who doesn't love a good slow-mo tickle fight? Of course, the only times I have intentionally inflicted physical pain on someone are: 1) kicking my friend's little brother in the balls, in grade 3, and 2) slapping my friend across the face (pretty hard) at Wasaga Beach, when we were about 13 ... but he asked me to. I don't remember why. This song could work as the backdrop to either of those scenes. Or, if we wanted to really milk the angst, this could be my fight song for my reaction to the news that my parents were splitting up ... that reaction being a very drunken first year of university. Dreamy lyrics about not getting enough love betraying the truth in the tequila benders and random make-outs at the Ridout (R.I.P. Slide-out)? Perfect.

Breaking Up
What's the Frequency Kenneth? -- REM
Again, I like it, partly because I'm usually the one doing the breaking up ... so the whole "I never understood the frequency" and the final "don't fuck with me" is somewhat apropos. Hmmm, I wonder if I'm a bad girlfriend? Nah, I'm awesome ... until I dump the guy, that is.

I'll Fly Away - Kanye West
Huh, I don't remember quasi-gospel being played at my prom ... but I remember wearing long white satin gloves, a maroon dress and matching lipstick to my prom, so I'll take it. Actually, that wasn't my final prom, but I'll take it anyway.

22: The Death of all the Romance -- The Dears
Well, that's a little depressing, because I'm past 22 and I sincerely hope that all of the romance in my life is NOT dead. But I really like this song, and I think it's kind of reflective of people blithely ignoring various elements in their lives ... plus, it's kind of a kicky tune, with lots of great layering, and the over-the-topness that is great about the Dears, so I'm ok with it.

Mental Breakdown:
Religion -- Bif Naked
Perfect. Seriously, perfection. If I ever totally wig out and someone happens to film the men in white coats coming to take me away, I hope this song is playing for the padded-white-cell-montage. It's all ragey, but in a still-controlled way, which is the way I'd like to enjoy my mental breakdown. Plus, the song is almost 13 minutes long, which means it has a hell of a build - the way any good breakdown should.

Lua -- Bright Eyes
I don't actually drive, but this song conjures visions of me driving aimlessly through suburbia at dusk in a Green VW bug, and I like it.

Stutter -- Elastica
Huh, I didn't know I had this song on my computer. It's probably a flashback to high school, so this song fits. It's kind of Veruca Salt, and it could totally work in a flashback to a party - maybe the post-prom party, with the mixing of many substances and the invention of so very many inside jokes ... or the infamous Montreal trip, with such memorable lines as "excuse me, people are trying to SHOWER in here". Yup, perfect.

Getting Back Together:
Papa Don't Preach -- Madonna
Well, apparently we're getting back together because I got knocked up ... but it's ok, because we're really in love. Awww.

Little Room -- The White Stripes
I'm not sure I want my wedding documented by a song that's less than 60 seconds long, but maybe it's a wedding montage. I do love me a good montage. Plus, if the bridesmaid's dresses are really hideous (and I would not put it past myself to choose pink taffeta, because it's hilarious), you wouldn't have to look at them for very long.

Birth of Child:
Mysterious Ways -- U2
This totally works in that whole "the miracle of life" way. Plus, maybe it's a sign that Johnny Depp is the father of my baby. I could deal with that.

Final Battle:
President of What? -- Death Cab for Cutie
Well, this isn't really battle music. But if my final battle was a crusade against an army of tiny robots (which, by the way, I would love), then it's good battle music.

Death Scene:
We Both Go Down Together -- The Decemberists
Awww, my death is all cheerful-sounding! Plus, it sounds like someone's going down with me - my love, no less - which I kind of enjoy. Who said everyone dies alone?

Funeral Song:
Like Herod -- Mogwai
Apparently everyone at my funeral is going to be confused and slightly terrified. I don't even really like this song, because I have to turn it up real loud for the quiet bits - which, while quiet, aren't exactly funereal - and then have a minor heart attack and flail about for the volume control when Mogwai decides to get all punk rock with the electric guitars. Oh well, maybe it means that in the movie of my life, all of my loved ones will be quietly weeping away, and then their grief will overwhelm them, and they will have to flail about, rending their garments and pounding their chests. OH! Or, EVEN BETTER, this is my funeral music and it's all creepy and shocking because I'M A ZOMBIE, and I burst out of my coffin in search of braaaaains. Yesss. I knew my love of zombie movies wouldn't let me down. Everyone at my funeral IS going to be confused and slightly terrified.

End Credits:
Shine -- Collective Soul
I've got nothing against this song, but it's kind of meh. Actually, that's kind of good for the credits. You won't mind sticking around to see who the best boy and key grip are this time, but if you want to meander back to daylight, this song will see you on your way. Plus, if the movie of my life has just ended with a zombie funeral, I kind of like the irony in "heaven let your light shine down".